Posts in Life
Embrace the middle - when the familiar becomes unfamiliar at the same time

If I was writing this five years ago, it’s about now that I would do a philosophical deep dive into how embracing change…well, changed my life. Not today. Today, I’m having an identity crisis. Kinda.

Life feels like I’m in the middle of a long, slog-of-a-hike lately. I’m still walking in the right direction, but somehow, I keep losing the track markers. I stop, backtrack and walk around, and eventually find footprints or the track hidden in the overgrowth. When I’m in the bush, losing the track doesn’t worry me too much - I’ve been here before and don’t stay ‘lost’ for too long. So, why is life so uncomfortable right now?

It started as I sat in a mihi whakatau at work (a mihi whakatau is an informal pōwhiri/welcome) as I listened to my former manager, Alex, give a speech to welcome a new member in her old team. Ironically, it was also the first day in her new role as a general manager, yet here she was filling in for the role she hasn’t held since last November. I’ve heard her speak many times before, and she always smashes it. She is the Communications Manager after all. Was. I think it finally hit me, for realsies this time.

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Spoken word at TEDX Ōmokoroa 2024

In the spirit of TED’s mission, “ideas worth spreading,” the TEDx program helps communities, organizations and individuals produce TED-style events at the local level. TEDx events are planned and coordinated independently, on a community-by-community basis, under a free license from TED. Find upcoming events at TEDx | Event Listing | TED

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Someday, the nomad taking refuge in pages unwritten

Change, no matter how much we fight the push and pull of circumstance, there will always be an element of resistance towards the unknown. They say it’s not the change we fear, but the speed our bodies are expected to pivot when it slaps us in the face. I’ve been through this before - every five years my life comes to a fork in the road, taking my life in unexpected trajectories.

It’s been two months since the tall fella and I bought a house - two adults who’ve become extremely comfortable in their own space (and way of doing things) moving in together is quite the adjustment. Parts of me that have come to light that really surprised me: I didn’t realise how much I liked keeping the kitchen bench clean; or cooking dinner while the fire’s roaring in the living room. I have yet to successfully light the fire without a fire starter this winter, so that job has usually fallen to the tall fella when he comes home. Oh and I’ve fully embraced my Filipino-ness and proudly wear my pink tsinelas (house slippers) that my Mum bought from the Philippines a few years ago.

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The many tastes of love, forgiveness and the pursuit of joy

I tried hiking solo for the first time. Terrified my mother. Before my thirties, I didn’t do any hiking, let alone go into the bush on my own. She probably wished I just took up drinking and stayed home, just kidding, I'm allergic to alcohol. Turns out ugly breathing your way up a mountain is surprisingly cathartic. It taught me to trust myself, and what I lacked in fitness, I made up with resilience.

I still love hiking solo and do it often, and over the years I’ve started hiking with other people too. People always tell me how brave I am to hike alone, and I usually reply, ‘I am, but you can be too. You just haven’t given yourself permission to be brave yet.” Like my workmate Kim. We don’t hang out outside of work, but she keeps up with my hiking blogs and photos on social media. Last year, we were having lunch in the staffroom and she told me that hiking to a DoC hut was on her “someday” list. I asked her, “Do you want to turn ‘someday’ into ‘let’s make a plan’?” It took her a week, but she said yes.

We had two months before our hike to the Upper Whirinaki Hut. Kim had A LOT of questions, I felt like I was her personal Google at one stage. For me, getting Kim to the start of the track was already a win, not being helicoptered out was a bonus. We were a group of six and Kim and I walked at a slower pace than the others. An hour from the hut, the track became narrow and slippery. I turned away for a second when suddenly I heard a big splash. Kim had slipped, flown over the bank and into the river. She was wet and a bit shaken, but uninjured.

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No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man

“Did you see anything?” A soft voice called to me at the end of my Reiki session. My eyes hadn’t opened yet as my mind and body needed time to reconnect. I don’t remember where I went, but it was somewhere peaceful. Reiki in the middle of a bustling Sunday market is an interesting, almost out of body experience. There was no escaping the excited conversations of serendipitous reconnection, live music and optimism of people basking in the sunshine. Even the wind demanded my attention as it swirled around the gazebo, squirming through the thin netting curtains that provided little privacy. I closed my eyes not to escape, but to focus.

My energy had been depleted lately and I needed to reset. In nature, winter is a time of hibernation. When some animals go to sleep to conserve energy, especially when food is scarce. A season to wait out the cold and make plans for spring. It’s been quite the opposite for me - July and August have been my busiest yet (in the Southern Hemisphere, winter is in the middle of the year here). I scored a chance to travel and perform poetry around the North Island with C.R. Avery’s NZ Tour. With performances in Rotorua, Hastings, Hamilton and Waiheke Island, it was pretty dope for someone who has never gigged before. My chapbook, “Stories from my bunk bed and other feelings' found its way into the hands of a select few - a limited print run that quickly sold out. August finished off with a bang with an invitation to perform at Rhymes and Lyrics in Mount Maunganui on National Poetry Day 2023. If winter is the deep sleep to rejuvenate the soul, then spring is the friend with a glowing tan, fresh from a tropical holiday.

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The river after the storm

I'm turning 40 this year.

It feels surreal to be saying that. One thing's for sure, I've been living a very different season since my 30th. We had a low-key celebration in the dance studio while training for a national competition. My dance crew baked a cake for me, sang an enthusiastic happy birthday, and my mum even brought some treats that kept us fuelled and motivated. It's been a few years since I was about that life. A lot of rushing around that was.

How do I plan to celebrate this milestone? I'm not sure yet, but like past birthdays since I turned 36, I hope it's somewhere near the mountains.

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